This will probably be a negative review. If so, it will not be necessarily Java Lords’s fault. The coming of the new year has this tableauxist reflecting on the last 12 months, which have contained some of his life’s most abysmal moments since 2004. The upcoming months look to be no less of a test. From all accounts in the mass media, 2008 is the worst year in decades by numerous metrics, and far worse is yet to come — and that is the optimistic view. Thus, the typically discounted misanthrope finds himself surrounded by similarly sour minds.

Being in such a dour and surly mood perhaps is not the proper condition in which one should open up a new tableaux, but House One: Hider-In-The-House has crashed and my own newly self-inflicted daily project has proven impossible to break through. Unsatisfied, then, I focus my wrath upon Java Lords in lieu of other outlets.

I am surprised that JHT has not already covered this place. Atlanta is more his town than mine, now, and there are not many other coffee shops left for him to tableau. I presume he is occupied by spending every free moment at Dr. Bronner’s or whatever that coffee place we went to after the Portman speech is called.

Whatever the case, I do not really have any place writing this tableau; I didn’t pay much attention to the operation of this shop when I visited. Both times I was full of potato and broccoli burritos from El Myr that I would have rather been purging in an alley or toilet room than having sink like stones in my bowels. Through the pain, there are a few things I vaguely recall noticing; maybe the reader finds them valuable:

• The cafe is open to the box office of a theater or concert hall.
• Some flyers for Phantasm.
• The coffee is from Cafe Campesino.
• The restroom is enormous (possibly due to association with theater.)
• A full scale crucifix lords over the outdoor seating area (shared w/ a falafel or Vietnamese restaurant).
• Some paper bags for sale as art (verified).
• Coffee served in paper cups(?)

What I definitely remember from both of my visits, the most important point regarding Java Lords, is that there were foxy ladies behind the counter — and each was accompanied by a male cockblocker who charged across the room to intercede us before said fox could take our orders.

The male cockblocker. He is a different animal than the female variety found at bars and parties dragging their more attractive friends away from hot guys. Still, you’ve seen the type. Guys who have no charm or charisma, so their strategy is serve as a wet blanket thrown over any interaction between their attractive female ‘friends’ and any approaching dandies from a local collaborative constructive. Imagine, if possible, a reversal of Blane’s and Ducky’s roles in Pretty in Pink. These guys reckon that their coworker will have an awful taste in her mouth, metaphorically, after each exchange with a customer, and will eventually give up and fall into the cockblocker’s embrace. It is a twisted Pavlovian exercise by the cockblocker, as he is responsible for the distasteful event to begin with.

For fuck’s sake, one of them was wearing one of those Bluetooth earplug things for his cell phone when he took our orders! For a fuller description of at least one of the baristas, try searching for ‘short yellow dress’ along with ‘handsome soymilk drinker’ on Atlanta craigslist missed connections.

In conclusion, I guess my points are that I did not spend much effort thinking about Java Lords before writing this, and that it’s a good thing some douchebag in a headset took my order because I wouldn’t have known how to talk to the girl in the yellow dress, in any event.

coffee, cafe, coffeeshop, review, café

Java Lords

1105 Euclid Ave NE
Atlanta, Georgia 30307
http://javalordscoffeehouse.com/

soymilk: extra charge
fair trade: available